What Is Emotional Regulation and Why It Matters

What is Emotional Regulation? 

As someone who got tired of wondering why I could hold it together in big moments but unravel in seemingly simple ones, I’ve been on a mission to understand myself and my reactions. And what I found was something called emotional regulation—and suddenly, a lot made sense.

According to the American Psychological Association, emotional regulation is the process of managing your emotional state: when emotions happen, how intense they get, and how you express them.

In other words, it’s about making space for your feelings without being consumed by them. As Psychology Today puts it, regulation is less about control and more about flexibility—the ability to shift your response based on what the moment needs.

Some people seem to do this effortlessly. But if you’ve ever wondered why some people stay calm when triggered—and you don’t, it’s not the mystery it seems. Basically? It’s the difference between reacting and responding. And as someone who used to assume emotional regulation meant "be calm at all costs"—I now know it’s way more about learning to ride the waves than pretending the ocean isn’t choppy.

What Emotional Regulation Is Not

What I’ve learned is that emotional regulation doesn’t mean staying zen no matter what. It’s not stuffing everything down or slapping on a smile when you feel like screaming.

Let’s be clear:
Regulation is not suppression.

• It’s not pretending everything’s fine.

• It’s not bottling things up until you break.

• It’s not silencing yourself to keep the peace.

• And it’s definitely not about being emotionless or “always in control.”

Trying to suppress emotions rather than working through them doesn’t make you more regulated—it actually does the opposite. PositivePsychology.com points out that long-term suppression is linked to anxiety, depression, and emotional exhaustion.

Regulation just asks you to stay present with what you feel—and respond with intention, not instinct.

If you've ever shut down in a tense moment or spiraled from a small comment, it might not be a sign of weakness—it might be a misunderstanding of what regulation actually is. 6 Signs You’re Taking It Too Personally can help unpack that further.

Bottom line? I’ve learned that regulation isn’t about avoiding emotions—it’s about navigating them. And that’s a skill, not a personality trait.

Ways You May Be Emotionally Dysregulated Without Knowing It

I also learned that not all emotional struggles show up as dramatic outbursts. Sometimes, they look like silence. Or avoidance. Or spiraling over something even you know seems small.

Rather than always showing up in obvious ways, it often shows up in ways that look ordinary on the outside—but quietly leave you feeling worn out, reactive, or disconnected.

Here are a few subtle signs you might be experiencing emotional dysregulation:

• Rumination – Replaying conversations or moments on a loop

• Overreacting – Big emotional responses to seemingly small triggers

• Emotional avoidance – Distracting yourself instead of processing feelings

• Numbness – Feeling flat, disconnected, or emotionally "offline"

According to Cornell’s Self-Injury & Recovery Research and Resources, dysregulation is the difficulty in managing emotional intensity in ways that are flexible and appropriate to the moment. In simpler terms? It’s when your emotions take the lead—and you’re left scrambling to catch up.

If you’ve ever found yourself overwhelmed by a small moment, these everyday situations might be testing your regulation more than you realize. Or, you may be triggered by something deeper—here’s how to identify those emotional triggers before they take over.

I’ve learned that the goal isn’t perfection. It’s awareness.  You just need to notice when something inside you is asking for support. That’s where change begins.

Why Emotional Regulation Matters for Mental Health

Emotional regulation isn’t just about making it through the day without snapping at your inbox or crying over spilled coffee. For me, it’s been a total game-changer. Once I stopped treating emotions like problems to fix and started actually listening to what they were trying to tell me, everything shifted—my energy, my reactions, even how I talk to the people (and myself). It’s not always pretty, but it’s real—and it works.

When you’re able to process your emotions instead of avoiding them or getting swept away, you create space for your nervous system to recover. That space is where resilience lives.

Regulation supports your mental health by helping you:

• Recover faster from emotional stress

• Stay connected without shutting down or withdrawing

• Make clearer decisions even in emotionally charged situations

A 2020 PubMed study found that poor emotion regulation is closely tied to increased symptoms of anxiety and depression, as well as a greater reliance on unhealthy coping strategies like avoidance or substance use.

If your emotions often feel too big or too buried, it might be quietly draining your energy, straining your relationships, or increasing your mental load.

Emotional regulation won’t make hard feelings disappear—but it will help you move through them with more steadiness, clarity, and self-trust. And that changes everything.

What Changes When You Start Regulating Your Emotions

This isn’t about becoming a different person. But when you start regulating even a little more, things start to shift.

You’ll still feel stuff—sometimes big stuff. But you’ll bounce back faster. You’ll stop second-guessing yourself so much. And you’ll start trusting that you can handle it, whatever “it” is.

According to NYU’s Health Promotion Office, people who practice emotional regulation tend to experience greater emotional clarity, improved relationships, and higher overall life satisfaction.

You might notice:

• Less reactivity in conversations that used to set you off

• Stronger boundaries and communication, without guilt

• More self-trust—because you know you can respond with intention, not just instinct

And the benefits don’t stop there. Here are 7 ways learning to respond instead of react can shift everything from your mental health to your everyday decision-making.

This is the skill that makes the rest of your inner work possible. And you don’t have to master it all at once—just begin.

How to Practice Emotional Regulation Daily

Here’s what I’ve learned: you don’t have to overhaul your life to start regulating your emotions. You don’t need to meditate on a mountain or journal until your wrist cramps. You just need a few small, repeatable ways to reset. And the good news? The simplest ones actually work.

Here’s what I started with (and still come back to):

• Breathwork – I didn’t believe this would help until I tried it. Turns out, slowing your breath literally sends your brain the “you’re safe” signal. I practice the 4-8-7 breathing method whenever I need it - in the car, while trying to fall asleep, when someone triggers me, when I can’t thread the needle so to speak - Sometimes that’s all I need to hit pause before I react.

• Naming emotions – This is a work in progress for me - I still default to fine because that muscle memory hasn’t set in, but “I’m fine” never helps me. Saying, “I feel overwhelmed and a little invisible right now”? That actually shifts something. Even when I only say it to myself.

• Journaling (but messy) – Another work in progress. I’m not talking the reflective kind of journaling with prompts and soft music. I’m talking a quick OneNote on, “Why did that one comment from Tuesday ruin my whole vibe?” It’s not pretty, but it helps offload the chaos. When I get it out in written word, I find it so much easier to process and let go.

I also got curious about how to reframe situations, because sometimes what sets me off isn’t the thing—it’s the story I’m telling myself about it. Cognitive reframing, mindfulness, grounding tools… these aren’t just buzzwords. They’re things I’ve tested, because I needed them.

If you want a few of the tools that helped me:

• 3 Quick Questions to Ask Yourself Before You React – my go-to check-in when I feel myself spiraling.

• Top Emotional Regulation Tools (That Actually Work) – tactile, visual, and grounding tools you can keep within reach.

• The Calm Box You Didn’t Know You Needed (But Do) – a personal reset kit I built out of sheer desperation one rough Tuesday.

The more often I reach for these, the less likely I am to lose it over Wi-Fi buffering or a passive-aggressive Slack message. The shift is slow and imperfect—but it’s happening.

So no, I don’t have it all figured out. But I’m figuring me out—one pause, breath, and messy journal page at a time.

You Don’t Have to Master This Overnight

You don’t build emotional regulation in one perfect week. You build it in the messy middle—in the wobbly, real-life moments where you pause for half a second longer than you used to.

Each time you name what you’re feeling, choose a breath over a snap, or circle back after shutting down—you’re practicing. And that practice adds up.

So take what you’ve learned here and try it once today. Then try it again tomorrow. And the next day.

You won’t get it right every time—and you don’t have to. What matters is that you keep showing up for yourself, one choice at a time.

That’s how regulation is built. Not all at once—but moment by moment. You’re just beginning—intentionally. And that’s enough.

Need help getting started?

From Reacting to Responding: A 5-Day Emotional Reset offers short daily guidance. 

Take the 2-Minute React vs Response Quiz to see where you are now—and what to try next.

If you’re navigating big feelings, small triggers, or just trying to stay grounded, you’ll love this. Explore the Emotional Reactivity Hub — a growing collection of tools, reflections, and reset strategies that actually help.